Everyone is used to have or gonna have a period of time in their life that everything seems to be out of control, and yes that is me right now.
I used to have almost everything that they consider as success: a steady career, a bright future, a significant one to love and to be loved, and money was never my problem. And now, I have nothing left, I broke up a week ago, I was rejected from about three to four positions that I applied for, and even worse, was dumped by someone who does not even worth it.
It seemed like my life had became a mess with no way out and yes, I did feel like I am the most miserable human being at that moment. But then I looked around and saw everyone else, despite the failures they got in life, continued to live and strive for better things to come and I felt ashamed, as my problems compared to theirs, were nothing.
First, it was embarrassment that forced me to put aside my problems, but then later on it was the fact that everyone has to face this period at least once in their lifetime made me feel better. And then I realized, actually losing everything means that you now have everything, and that is the perks of losing it all.
Well, I now, have no jobs but it means that I have time to do things that I never or rarely did, like painting… Having little money helps me learn how to save and use it wisely… Having and being nobody’s significant one means that I need to love myself, cultivate and enjoy my own affair, and just be better version of myself.
I would not dare to do these things, if I were me a year ago, as I had so many things in my hands, and it was tiring because I was bounded by the idea of how to keep these things together as long as I can. When it reached the end, when everything I owned started to slip away despite every efforts I made to keep it back, besides the horror, I realized that there is a way open up for me to begin again.
And yes, I am in chaos now, but I am not afraid of it, as I know I am not alone, I still have my family, my friends and even more I have myself to rely on. As I have nothing now, I can start building myself again the way I want, not the way I was shaped in the past, bounded by what people supposed I am.
This is my very first post here and really what in my head now, it maybe messed up and meaningless, but I hope that someday, when I scroll back and see this post, I can smile happily and feel relief.
A day without joy, 2017